Changed By Love

I had two miscarriages in 2002. The second one was at 19 weeks. I was halfway through that pregnancy! I was devastated. I’m crying even as I type this.

I couldn’t believe that God had let that happen to me. I found out later that she had been a little girl and didn’t appear to have anything wrong with her. I named her Cassie Mae.

After that, I felt like a loser. Even though I had six children already, the loss of those two babies made me feel like I had failed at motherhood. Combined with the other stresses we were facing at that time of having no income and totally living by faith with people criticizing us and the state and the law coming after us every time we turned around, I was feeling crushed and beaten down.

We had been attending a house church in a neighboring city for several months. God used many of the people there to help support us through our living by faith period. God would speak to one of them, and he would give Gary a $100 handshake. Those were nice. Sometimes a guy would just stick a $100 bill in his shirt pocket. I would find money in my purse or Bible when we came home from meetings. They did many things like that and helped us to keep on going when it seemed like the rest of the world was against us.

One night at a meeting, my friend came over and told me that she had been praying for me and Gary and this poem kept going over and over in her mind. She said she had never prayed a poem before. She wrote it down in a notebook she found lying close by. It happened to be my notebook! She read it to me. Here’s what she read:

Favor, Favor

Favor, favor
Above and below
Favor, favor
Whatever you do, wherever you go.

Favor, favor
From God to you in your lives show.
Favor, favor
His love forevermore.

I was really surprised. Mostly because it was the opposite of how things felt. It felt like everything we were experiencing was lack of favor. Like everybody hated us and the system was out to get us, because we had dared to step outside of it. It felt like we were attacked and unprotected. It sure didn’t feel like we were experiencing favor.

She had torn the page out of the notebook to write on it. I wish she had just left it in my notebook, but she didn’t know it was mine. But I thanked her and took it and folded it and put it in my notebook and told her I would keep it and ponder on it. It was encouraging, even though it seemed so far-fetched.

About a month later, I started experiencing some familiar symptoms and realized that I was pregnant. I was happy, but at the same time dreading what everybody else was going to think and say. I didn’t tell anybody. I never really did. I didn’t have to. After six babies, I was already showing by the third month or sooner. I never talked about it to anybody. It was just something I kept to myself. I didn’t go many places, so I didn’t have to hear or see what other people thought about it.

I didn’t go to the doctor until halfway through the pregnancy. My last visit to the doctor had been when they couldn’t find a heartbeat, and that memory was too painful for me to even think about going back until I had to. I finally made an appointment and they set me up for an ultrasound because I was already 19 weeks along.

Gary took me for the ultrasound appointment. Gary let me out and then went to find a parking spot. We had Morgan with us who was a baby then. They called me back before Gary came in. I asked them to send Gary back when he came in. The ultrasound tech started the preliminaries and said she would wait for Gary before getting more specific. Suddenly, she said, “Did you wonder why you were so big?” At that moment, I knew. “Do I have twins?” She said, “Look!” I looked at the screen and saw two little heads. She said, “It looks like twins to me.” I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited. I said, “Where’s Gary? Please have someone send him in!” So she called out to the waiting room.

He was just sitting there reading or something. He came rushing back with a worried look on his face. He was remembering my last miscarriage. I had a big smile on my face and the ultrasound tech told him he better sit down. He still looked worried, and I burst out, “We’re having twins!!!!” He looked relieved and shocked at the same time, if that’s possible. Then he said, “Eight? What does eight mean?” We had been thinking of this as Baby number 7, which means “completion, perfection”. Now we would have 8 children, not just 7. So he was wondering what the spiritual significance was. The ultrasound tech didn’t miss a beat. She said, “Eight is enough?” We all started laughing. I just shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. Only God does.”

Now I told everybody my news. I called my mom right after I left the clinic. She was very excited! She started telling everybody. They had a big shower for me. I got two of everything. It was so fun and exciting!

The rest is history. I had twins, a boy and a girl. We had thought this baby would be the tie-breaker. But instead we were tied again at 4 boys and 4 girls.

Several months after they were born, I took out the poem prayer that Shari had given me. I looked at the date and started figuring. I realized that she had written that poem the same night or the night before I most likely got pregnant with the twins. Favor, favor! That’s why the word was given twice! The Lord was telling me that He was going to bless me with twins!

Here they are:
Favor and Favor!

I had lost two babies, and now He was blessing me with two babies. At the same time!

I realized that I felt different now. After I lost those two babies, I had started feeling like a loser. That feeling was gone now. I didn’t even realize that I had felt that way until the feeling was gone.

God opens the womb.

Children are a blessing!

He has blessed us with favor, and then some!