For the last several weeks I have sensed a disconnect from the Lord. I have been trying to praise Him, talk to Him, thank Him, feel His presence, read my Bible – anything! But it has felt like I couldn’t get through to Him. I tried to find good worship music online. Every time I tried, the music player wouldn’t work on my computer. It usually works fine. I tried to just take off on a song, but it didn’t go anywhere. I couldn’t really feel His presence or any kind of help in praising Him like I’m used to getting from the Holy Spirit. I even planned a get-away so that Gary and I could be alone together for our anniversary and pray together. That didn’t work. I described how that turned out in this post.
I keep praying and asking Him to help me with this. He keeps telling me not to worry (be anxious) and to make my requests known with thanksgiving. He tells me that over and over again*, but my connection with Him is so weak that even that is difficult. I do it, but it feels mechanical. It feels like I’m forcing it. I still keep trying. I can’t give up.
One night I couldn’t sleep, so I went in my closet and read my prayer journal from our Journey of Fire. It was good for rekindling some memories and concepts that I had forgotten. I could feel myself re-connecting a little bit.
Thursday morning as I was waking up, I had two phrases going over and over in my mind. They repeated so many times that I was sure I would remember them when I woke up. But when I was fully awake, I couldn’t remember what they were! I prayed throughout the day that God would help me to remember what they were. That night I read through the verses I have posted on my bathroom mirror. One verse stopped me short. It said, “You will seek Me and find me when you search for Me with all your heart.”
I knew that that was one of the phrases I had heard over and over again that morning. The word “seek” stood out to me. I knew that was the operative word. All that next day I tried to remember what the other phrase was. I couldn’t seem to settle down enough during the day to think or meditate. It would flit through my brain that I needed to find out what the other phrase was and then find out what the Lord was trying to tell me. But I just couldn’t be still during the day.
Then I lay down to go to sleep last night, and, of course, I couldn’t go to sleep right away (that’s been a pattern lately). I again asked the Lord to help me remember what He had been saying to me. After several minutes, I remembered “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart”. All right! Now what else was there? Oh yes, the other phrase was “Your face, Lord, I will seek”. There it was! Now what are You saying to me, Lord. Well, then He started downloading all these snippets of verses and songs. “Seek the Lord while He may be found.” Then the song, “My soul followeth hard after Thee, early in the morning I will rise up and seek Thee.” There’s that word “seek” again! Another song “My soul thirsts for Thee, my flesh yearns for Thee, in a dry and weary land where there is no water… I will seek Thee earnestly.” That’s one of my favorite songs by Matthew Ward. I never even thought about the word “seek” being in there.
Ok, I get the message: God wants me to seek Him! I may be dull, but God is full of mercy and patience, and He will do whatever it takes to get a message across to me. So that’s what I’m doing right now. I’m seeking Him. This is a “Seeking Season”. I can’t wait to see what I will find! I know that God is magnificent and almighty and holy. I wonder what facets of Himself He will show me as I seek Him. I will let you know what I find.
You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.
When You said, “Seek My face,”My heart said to You, “Your face, LORD, I will seek.”
**Seek the LORD while He may be found, Call upon Him while He is near.
In researching the two songs that He gave me to sing, I found out that they were both from Psalm 63. I never knew that! The one by Matthew Ward I knew was from Psalm 63. That’s what the song is called. But the other song was a worship song we sang in church a long, long time ago. And I never knew it was from Psalm 63.
So I guess I should start there in my seeking. I will meditate on Psalm 63. If anyone wants to join me, please do! I plan to start tonight. I will post any insights or experiences I have with the Lord. And you do the same. I have added a contact form to the sidebar. If you have anything you would like to share with me privately, just go to the heading “What’s on your heart?” at the top right of the page under “Pages”. I would love to hear from you.
Or you can just leave a comment! I’m excited to see what the Lord will reveal to us about Himself as we seek Him.
*An interesting sidenote: Here is yesterday’s Spirit of Prophecy bulletin from Marsha Burns:
SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by Marsha Burns — 11/19/2010:
Refuse to allow frustration and impatience to rule, as there is no faith or trust in emotional reactions. Rise above the circumstances that have made you angry, and establish peace in your heart. Then, you can find wisdom and direction in solving your dilemma. I will pour out wisdom liberally, if you will set your heart and mind on trusting Me to show you the way, says the Lord.
Philippians 4:6-7 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
**Another interesting sidenote: Sally Clarkson wrote a blog post the same day, Thursday, that I was getting those words from the Lord, titled “Seeking God”. I didn’t see it until today. She mentioned some of the same verses the Lord gave me and told how she’s in a “Seeking Season”, too. Here’s her blog post.
Ooooh…how lovely those verses. I remember when our sweet and gentle Savor led me to the very same ones. Those were the best times of my entire life. Being with Him. I remember when I understood the Truth that “If you seek Him, He will be found of you.” Oh, how beautiful the Truth is. How lovely is our God. Truly lovely. And there IS no one like Him. Thank you for sharing.